4 Steps to Solving Your Core Relationship Problem

When we enter new relationships, we either don’t seem to notice the things that people do that we don’t like, or we just ignore them.

But as time goes on this ‘patience’ becomes more and more tested and sooner or later everything that they do can trigger an annoyance within us and we can then enter in a cycle of a relationship breaking down. If we have tendency to choose destructive relationships then we are likely to persevere with this, as we don’t really understand our relationship dynamics.

An example of this would be:

You enter a new relationship and as time goes on you feel that they are not showing you enough affection, but you don’t address this, hoping that it will get better or you are just being overly sensitive.

As this continues you still keep it to yourself, until you either explode when it gets too much, or you find other things that were okay to you before to moan about.

This can lead the person you are with withdrawing from you, as your reaction is out of context, or becoming more attacking towards you, both are defensive responses to your behaviour (or maybe you are the one who faces the outbursts).

As the core issue is not discussed and resolved, then the arguments over the little things continue and the relationship becomes more and more dysfunctional.

If you then stay in this destructive space then there are deep issues to address.
If you want to identify and break your dysfunctional core pattern? Here are four steps that can help you to do so:

1. Identify Your Core Needs

Ask yourself what is missing most from your relationship or what it is that you need more of.

2. Identify What You do to Cope When Those Needs Aren’t Met

How do you feel? Do you address these emotions or put up with the situation until it becomes too much to keep in? Do you find you pick fault with your partner, become jealous, insecure/needy?

3. What Does the Other Person Do?

How do they react to your ‘explosion’, your withdrawal or what you then exhibit because your needs are not being met?
How does this feed your pattern? What are you trying to get them to do by the way you behave?

4. Decide on the Things You Can Change to Break Your Pattern

What choices can you consciously make that break your subconscious learnt behaviour?
Can you choose to be less attacking or withdraw less?
What do you need your partner to do in order to turn this into a healthier space?
How will address this with yourself and with them?

Once you recognise your own pattern, needs and outcomes you are subconsciously aiming for, then communicate this with your partner.

If they are unable to offer you what you need, then you will never feel fulfilled and it is time to move on.

Be good to yourself

John